


take care

by teokjaengie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Child Abuse, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Poor Hyunjin, Self-Harm, idk how to tag forgive me, lapslock, possible self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21757825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teokjaengie/pseuds/teokjaengie
Summary: you took no time to take care
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 45





	1. start//end

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by: EDEN - take care
> 
> WARNING: take the tags seriously please. if you are triggered by any of them, don't read this. 
> 
> None of the events written are real and i in no way condone anything that happens in this fic. child abuse is horrible and im not trying to romanticize it. 
> 
> on that note, enjoy!

it started small.

light slaps to the wrist reminded hyunjin of his errors.

“who said you could have another cookie?”

_smack_

“you can’t play with that!”

_smack_

hyunjin didn’t think much of it. he would waddle away to go be entertained elsewhere, ignoring the slight red tint on his wrist.

his parents fought a lot. the loud screams and crashing of objects reverberated off his baby blue walls, shaking his ear drums. he’d cover his ears and curl into his covers, knowing it would end soon and he could enjoy the silence once again. maybe if he stopped sneaking cookies and playing with the air conditioning remote, they wouldn’t fight.

it only got worse once he entered primary school.

the slaps on his wrist turned into slaps on his arms ~~and maybe sometimes his face.~~ hyunjin ignored it. he ignored the small bruises forming on his porcelain skin as his mother turned pink with rage. he ignored the urge to cry as his father raised his voice. hyunjin hated disappointing his parents.

hyunjin made his first friend in first grade. he sat, staring intensely at the scattered alphabet blocks, trying to remember what came after the letter ‘g’. after a while, an unknown hand snatched his ‘h’ block and shoved it next to the ’g’. hyunjin whipped his head to the side, a pair of smiling eyes waiting for him.

“the next letter is h.” the boy said, tapping his small finger on the block he had just placed.

hyunjin furrowed his brows at the boy, upset that he didn’t let him think of the answer himself. “i-i knew that! you shouldn’t touch things that someone else is playing with.” hyunjin huffed, little cheeks puffing with air as he glared at the kid. the boy shrugged, letting out a grunt has he flopped onto the ground next to hyunjin.

“i’m changbin.”

hyunjin didn’t respond, picking up the block labeled ‘i’ and placing it next in line.

“hey that’s not nice! you’re supposed to tell me _your_ name.” changbin pouted, not happy with the silence he’s receiving. when hyunjin continued to pick up blocks, pretending not to hear the shorter boy, changbin poked his arm harshly to gain his attention. hyunjin flinched at the unexpected contact, dropping his block.

“oops! i didn’t mean to scare you-”

“if i tell you my name will you leave me and my blocks alone?” hyunjin whined, annoyed with changbin’s eagerness. changbin nodded his head quickly, his black hair bobbing with it.

“hyunjin”

changbin didn’t leave him alone for long. the next day (and every day that followed) changbin would sit next to him. he’d talk hyunjin’s ear off about anything and everything. within one day, hyunjin already knew more than he ever wanted to about changbin. even if he managed to convince himself that changbin is annoying and talks too much, a little bit of hyunjin enjoys his company at lunch.

hyunjin scored an 87 on his first spelling test, and he was pretty proud of it. his good mood lasted until the very last minute of school, even going as far to laugh at some of changbin’s jokes.

he hopped into his mom’s car, telling her about how his teacher told him that his finger-painting artwork was the best in the class, only getting nods in reply. the car ride quickly ended, hyunjin running to the front door without waiting on his mom to catch up. his dad opened the door without a greeting, returning to his office after mumbling about work. hyunjin skipped to the table, placing his backpack on the back of a chair before climbing into it. the door creaked, signaling his mom finally joined him in the house.

“i had my first spelling test today.” hyunjin’s face lit up as he prepared to show his mom his grade. his mom raised an eyebrow, finally interested in what hyunjin had to say. he passed her the crinkled paper with anticipation. hyunjin’s mom tensed as she viewed the page. he felt his insides turn as his mother glanced up at him, an unreadable expression on her face. he didn’t like where this was going.

“you got an 87?” she asked, looking into hyunjin’s ~~eyes~~ soul. he slowly nodded, starting to think that maybe an 87 wasn’t a good grade after all.

“i-i worked really hard on it.” he muttered, words slurring together and shaky voice wavering as he felt tears form on his lower eyelid.

“if you worked hard you would have gotten a 100.”

hyunjin felt his heart drop and the color drain from his face, feeling stupid to believe he would impress his family with a grade so low. the silence was eerie was he waited for what was coming next.

“hyunjin, I think you need a punishment. if you don’t fix this now, you’ll do poorly in high school too. do you understand?” his mom seethed, cheeks a tint of red, hyunjin swearing he could see the rage dripping from her.

his heart skipped a beat in his chest, slowly nodding. he supposed she was right. he knew that high school was important, although he wasn’t sure why, but he was sure that anything his mom said had to be true.

that night hyunjin received his first black eye.

his mom wouldn’t let him go to school for a week. she said she didn’t want anyone to see his swollen eye and that he couldn’t tell anyone about it either. he agreed, curious as to why, but never asking. that week was filled with ice cream and games, filled with promises of never hurting him like that again. hyunjin knew his mom loved him, why would she buy him new toys and shower him in love if she didn’t? he quickly forgave her for the pain, happy to have his mom’s attention again.

“why weren’t you here?” changbin pouted, “i was so lonely! i had to sit alone at lunch. and you know the worst part? i had no one to play with at recess, jinnie!”

hyunjin sighed as he barely sat in his seat before changbin flocked to him. “i was sick” he shrugged, remembering what his mom had said. changbin rambled on about that one time he got sick and had to miss a day of school as well.

and just like that, the days continued just has they had before.

at the age of nine, hyunjin had racked up an impressive amount of absences, trapped in a cycle of bad grades, pain, and redemption. hyunjin should have known that his black eye in the first grade wasn’t going to be the last. he should have tried harder to make his mom proud instead of messing around with changbin during class. but, hyunjin continued to believe in his mom’s empty promises. he continued to believe that his mom was just trying to help him succeed. he continued to keep it hidden.

“wanna come over to my house?” changbin asked, tapping his pencil on his desk. hyunjin stilled, considering the offer, he’d never been to a friend’s house before. maybe his mother wouldn’t let him go. he would really like to meet changbin’s dog though.

“you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

the next day, hyunjin visited changbin’s house, only to find out he lived a few houses past his own.

hyunjin spent his third-grade year picking the dirt from under his fingernails, scraping his knees on changbin’s driveway, and wearing long sleeves.

fourth grade proved to be the hardest grade of all. hyunjin was having a hard time with multiplication, and his grades showed it. hyunjin’s skin was tainted with hues of black, purple, and yellow more often than not. at the age of ten, hyunjin began to question if what was happening to him wasn’t normal. changbin never had bruises on his body. he could wear short sleeves as he pleased. hyunjin was jealous. maybe it was because changbin always excelled in everything he did, he didn’t need punishments to do well.

“how could you be so careless, hyunjin?” his mother shrieked, holding the math test hyunjin desperately tried to hide from her, “did I not tell you that math is important? without multiplication you’ll never pass a simple algebra class!”

_slap_

“I’ve had enough of your disgusting behavior!”

_thud_

“go get in the closet”

hearing that, hyunjin let his tears fall, begging not to go into the dark closet.

“in the closet, now!” his mother screamed loud enough to send shivers down hyunjin’s spine.

he lifted himself of the ground and made his way to the shoe closet, opening the creaky door to reveal the dark abyss. he glanced back at his mother, hoping she would forgive him and let him go to sleep in his soft cozy bed. she didn’t. instead she stormed towards him, enraged that her son was disobeying, and shoved him into the closet, slamming the door behind him. he didn’t know how long he’d be in there. he might have to sleep in the cramped closet. tears flew from his eyes, labored breaths heavy, feeling as if he was suffocating. scared to make a noise, he covered his mouth, sleeve wet with tears only blocking half of his pants and cries.

hyunjin spent his first night in the shoe closet, crying softly with snot dripping from his nose ever so often.

weekends were filled with hope. hope that his mother had finally realized her wrong doings, how much pain she inflicts on her son. it was a dangerous cycle. every week hyunjin would go through hell, just to see light at the end of the tunnel. weekends were filled with play dates at changbin’s house, hugs from his mom, and hope.


	2. lost//found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to continue writing it. maybe ill go back and fix everything i didn't like later. 
> 
> also all chapters are titled after EDEN's songs
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> ps ignore any typos im too lazy to edit it

if changbin noticed the bruises coating hyunjin’s arms when his sleeves rode up too far while play-wrestling, he didn’t ask about them. maybe it was because he was only eleven years old, unaware that parents could do wrong. or maybe he just simply didn’t see them. a part of hyunjin wished changbin saw them, wished that he could tell someone about how almost every night he suffered at the hands of his own parents. but another part of him didn’t want anyone to ever find out because that would mean facing the problem. that would mean addressing the fact that his own mother had a problem. that would mean his dear mother wouldn’t be able to tuck him into bed on saturday nights. because deep down, hyunjin still believed his mom loved him. he still believed that this had to be for his own good; his mother would never hurt him if it wasn’t to help him.

that’s what he told himself as his mom put out her cigarette right above his knee.

that’s what he told himself as his mom took away his dinner privileges.

“can I copy your homework?” changbin asked, grabbing at the folder resting in hyunjin’s lap.

“do it yourself, stupid” he tugged his folder out of changbin’s reach, giggling as he continued to chase after it, his blue blankets bunching up under his knees.

“i'm not stupid! just a little lazy” he pouted, collapsing on hyunjin’s lap, making himself comfortable as he closed his eyes.

hyunjin stared at the boy on his lap, noticing just how pretty his best friend was. his heart thumped as he continued to stare. he didn’t like the weird fluttering feeling in his chest or how his cheeks began to get hot. he quickly looked away, shooing him off his lap with a grunt in protest from changbin.

hyunjin let changbin copy his homework.

hyunjin spent saturday tickling changbin in the grass and kicking soccer balls in his driveway, the tingling in his stomach never leaving.

“wanna have a sleep over?” changbin’s face lit up at the idea of spending even more time with his best friend. hyunjin hesitated for a moment, nervous to stay in someone else’s home and even more nervous to ask his mom.

“id have to ask my mom”

changbin let out a loud groan, “your mom never lets you do anything”

hyunjin frowned. his mom let him do a lot! although he missed out on the field trips and class parties, he could play with changbin, which was enough for him.

hyunjin didn’t stay over that night.

“don’t you think you spend too much time with that ‘changbin’ boy?” his mom grumbled as he yet again asked to have a play date at changbin’s house.

hyunjin thought about it for a moment, but ultimately didn’t think it was wrong to have fun with his friend.

he shook his head.

“you don’t?” her voice raised slightly, “you don’t think that your grades are slipping because you spend more time playing than studying? how many times do I have to tell you that you _need_ to learn this stuff? how many times, hyunjin? how many times until you get it through your thick skull?” she shouted, shoving the palm of her hand onto hyunjin’s forehead, forcefully shoving him to the ground with a loud thud.

hyunjin cried in pain as a foot made contact with his shin, tears slowly starting to make their way down his cheeks.

“why are you crying? this is a normal punishment for this kind of behavior. some kids have it worse than you do. grow up already, hyunjin. if you play with changbin one more time with the grades you have now- I swear- you don’t want to see what will happen.”

hyunjin laid on the ground, sobbing and gasping for air. it was no where near the worst beating he’d suffered through, but his heart ached more than his shin did. he didn’t want to stop playing with changbin. changbin had quickly become his anchor, the only person he could talk comfortably to. changbin was his escape from the constant torture. but it wasn’t like he had much of a choice.

he cried for an hour on the hardwood floor, wishing his fluttering heart from yesterday would replace his aching one.

the next day, hyunjin chose a seat far from changbin’s, ignoring his glistening eyes as he glanced at his new seat every five minutes.

“jinnie! why did you move seats? I miss being desk mates” changbin whined as hyunjin tried to dodge him on the way to lunch. he quickly slid past his best friend, pretending to not hear him. changbin didn’t chase after him, instead falling behind to talk to another classmate.

what hurt more then ignoring changbin was the silence that changbin gave him in return.

what was even more devastating was how his mother was right, his grades quickly improved, earning him an ‘I told you so’ and a disapproving look.

changbin didn’t understand why hyunjin suddenly started to distance himself from him. he went from happily eating changbin’s grapes that he hated because they were too jelly-like to eating in the library. from joking with changbin during class, to moving desks. he wondered if he did anything wrong, but he couldn’t recall a moment that they weren’t happy together. if hyunjin was going to be that upset with him, then so be it. changbin refused to acknowledge hyunjin until he came and apologized for leaving him alone like this.

as the weeks passed, hyunjin looked more and more drained. his once bright eyes that crinkled into crescents as changbin used his orange slice as a smile became dull and empty. he spent most days staring at hyunjin from across the room, noticing his new habits. he noticed the way hyunjin chewed on his fingers nervously as test scores were announced, the way he dug his nails into his small hand, leaving red marks behind. had his friend always looked like this? 

but changbin was stubborn.

fifth grade ended in silence.

hyunjin would be lying if he said he didn’t want changbin to come knock on his door asking to go play outside. it was summertime and he hadn’t left his house in what seemed like weeks. his days followed the same routine of studying and avoiding his parents’ hands as best as he could. no matter how hard he tried, no matter how good his grades were, he never got praise. he would never be good enough to be praised.

at the age of eleven, hyunjin felt the crushing reality of never being good enough.

changbin was sick of being alone. he laid on his bed, fanning himself with an old folder, thinking of ways to have fun without sweating to death. counting the little bumps on his ceiling, his mind drifted to hyunjin. he felt his stomach clench as he remembered hyunjin’s appearance on the last day of school. he had never seen hyunjin look so… detached. it was almost as if hyunjin wasn’t even in his body. he was working on auto pilot; his only goal was to get through the day. changbin was tired of waiting for hyunjin to apologize, and to be honest, the thought that he would never come to him plagued his mind. he was worried.

_tap tap tap_

hyunjin jumped in his seat, whipping his head to his window, heart thumping at the thought of what might be awaiting him. when he made eye contact with changbin, he was surprised to say the least. he slid off his chair, hands trembling as he approached the window. he felt a plethora of emotions. angry that changbin would come to his house, worried that changbin climbed up to the second floor, and relief that he still cared. he checked that his door was closed before cracking open his window.

“why are you here?” he urgently whispered, terrified that his parents could catch him at any moment.

“I realized that you’re too stubborn to apologize to me, so I came here to do it myself. now let me in its too hot out here.” 

“changbin, I can’t just let you into my house, what if my mom saw you?”

“who cares the worst she could do is kick me out”

hyunjin stills, knowing that much worse could be done.

changbin pulled the window open far enough to slip his body into hyunjin’s air-conditioned room. he took a look around, frowning when he realized hyunjin’s room had nothing that made it _his_ room. no posters, no drawings, no photos, no books. just some furniture in a room.

“boring room” changbin said as he settled into hyunjin’s bed.

hyunjin shrugged as he sat next to changbin, listening for any footsteps approaching his room.

they sat in silence for a while, hyunjin staring at his wall as if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen.

“well, are you going to apologize, or do I have to do it?” changbin pouted.

hyunjin missed his stubbornness.

he stayed quiet, unsure how he’s supposed to respond to that.

changbin let out a deep sigh, “I guess that means I have to.”

changbin changed his position to face hyunjin, putting his hand on his shoulder, not missing the way hyunjin flinched.

“jinnie. I don’t know what I did, but i'm sorry. I miss talking to you. you’re my best friend and I don’t even know why you’ve been ignoring me for months. please tell me what’s wrong so that I can try to fix it.”

this was the first time hyunjin had heard changbin be so sincere. he’d always been a good friend, but they’ve never had a conversation deeper than the hardships of school. hyunjin felt a lump form in his throat, his vision getting blurry with tears. he didn’t want to cry in front of changbin, nor did he want him to worry about him.

he cleared his throat, willing away the tears that threatened to fall.

“binnie i'm fine. you didn’t do anything wrong; I just need to focus on studying more. my mom didn’t like my grades, so I have to try h-harder.” he croaked. he hated how weak he was. he hated that even when he tried to hide his emotions, they always showed.

changbin didn’t say anything as he brought hyunjin into an awkward side hug. being twelve, he wasn’t really sure how to comfort someone, but he had to try for his best friend.

hyunjin let his tears fall as changbin patted his back, gasping for air in between silent sobs. he hiccuped into changbin’s shoulder, hugging him tighter.

“please don’t leave me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also changbin is about a year older than hyunjin in this fic. if i mess up on that at any time pls ignore me i failed math


	3. forever//over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm
> 
> if you are triggered by or are uncomfortable with self harm please don't read

changbin spent more nights crawling through hyunjin’s window then he did curled up under his own covers. most nights they were silent, hyunjin too scared of being caught to say more than a few hushed whispers. changbin didn’t quite understand why hyunjin was so paranoid or why he didn’t just ask his parents for changbin to sleep over, but he didn’t question him either. maybe he should have.

changbin, in his cozy pajamas, climbed out his window, a bag of snacks tucked under his arm, excited to show hyunjin what he had bought for them. he swiftly walked past the two houses in between them, making his usual climb up to the second floor. he stopped as he heard a loud crash. his mind immediately went to hyunjin, he must have dropped something. only when he neared closer to the window did he hear the screams. he slowly scrambled to hyunjin’s window, heart trying to pound out of his chest, nervous at what he might see.

changbin’s face drained of color and a sudden urge to vomit overwhelmed him as he peeked through the window. his mom’s back faced changbin, but that didn’t stop him from seeing the trembling of her hands in a fit of rage. in front of her laid hyunjin, back against the wall, slumped on the floor. his body shook with sobs, his small hand clutching at his left arm. he’d never seen hyunjin look so small, so pitiful. his mom darted towards his broken figure, lifting him by his collar, shouting unintelligible words in his face. changbin shivered in fear, dropping his snacks as he watched his best friend get mauled by his own mother. at that moment, he and hyunjin made eye contact. changbin felt sick. he grabbed his fallen snacks with shaky hands and tumbled down to the first floor, managing to scrape his elbow in the process. he was terrified. he could only imagine how hyunjin felt. in that moment, he wondered if he should turn around and help the younger boy. but what could an eleven-year-old kid do to stop a hostile mother? with that thought, he ran without control of his legs, the sound of hyunjin’s sobs ringing in his ears, reminding him of the first time he crawled up to his window. he should have known something was wrong. he should have known that the bruises littering hyunjin’s body weren’t from their roughhousing after school. 

he should have asked if he was okay.

hyunjin’s eyes drifted beside his mother’s head, unwilling to look her in the face. when they landed on the window, he wasn’t expecting to find a pair of eyes looking back at him. changbin was here. his heart pounded in an odd mixture of fear and embarrassment. within a second, changbin’s eyes had disappeared, ducking out of view of the window. the small piece of fleeting hope he had was replaced with a hollowness in his chest. the realization that changbin had just left him like this was too much for his weak heart to take. he couldn’t hold it in anymore. he bawled, chest heaving and unable to breathe as tears flowed from his eyes. he ignored his mother still screaming, ignored the occasional blow to his body. nothing hurt more than his heart did in that moment. 

he continued to sob well into the night, even after his mother had left him beaten and bruised hours ago. he clutched at his swollen, aching arm, scared that it was worse than just bruised this time. and yet somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. hyunjin felt a mixture of embarrassed, scared, and angry. embarrassed to have been seen in his weakest moment, scared that he’ll tell someone, and angry that changbin had left. 

hyunjin didn’t come to school that week. every morning, changbin sat in his seat preparing what he would say to hyunjin if he happened to walk through those doors, but he never did. 

changbin was completely unprepared when hyunjin showed up a month later, all his practiced dialogues disappearing into thin air. he walked into the classroom with his head down, black bangs shielding his eyes from changbin’s sight. the most noticeable change was the cast decorating his left arm. changbin sat quietly as all of their classmates surrounded hyunjin, asking about his cast. he was almost positive he heard hyunjin claim that a bike accident caused his arm to fracture, but changbin new the truth. his cheeks tinted pink as he sat with his head down, playing with the pencil in his hand. within that month, changbin had considered telling his parents what he had seen that night.   
but he was a coward.   
when he felt no presence next to him, he glanced around the classroom. hyunjin was sitting in the farthest seat from him.

sixth grade ended in the same deadly silence as fifth grade had. 

going into middle school, hyunjin picked up a new habit. not exactly a healthy habit, but it helped him none the less. the first time hyunjin’s mom saw the red marks that adorned his wrist, her eyes softened for a split second before she turned on her heel and left his bedroom. hyunjin felt ashamed and guilty and disappointed. hyunjin hasn’t felt much since he distanced himself from changbin for the second time since first grade. he was once again alone, too embarrassed to face reality, too ashamed to come clean.  
it wasn’t like changbin had made any effort to speak to him. he figured it was probably best this way. 

they were still in the same homeroom. hyunjin could sometimes feel changbin’s stares. it was almost comforting to know he still cared enough to glance in his direction. unless he was staring out of pity. or maybe he was mocking him. his skin crawled with the thought of changbin judging him.

hyunjin decided he didn’t like his stare after all.

hyunjin sat at his desk, the clock reading 11:37pm. he was still stuck on a singular math problem. no matter what he did, he didn’t understand what was wrong with his answer. his hands quivered, unable to write tangibly. he slammed his pencil on his desk, hands reaching up to his head to pull his hair in frustration. if he didn’t learn this basic math, how would he pass an algebra course in high school? he wouldn’t graduate. he wouldn’t get a job. he wouldn’t have money. he’d die alone on the side of the street. hyunjin’s body trembled as tears started to drip down his cheeks, breathing becoming a hard task. his hand reached for his desk drawer, frantically reaching for what he needed most.   
when his fingers made contact with a cool surface, he instantly calmed. 

he picked up the small razor blade he had unscrewed from a pencil sharpener and placed it on his already marked wrist. he took a breath, hesitating for a moment, before applying pressure and slowly dragging the cool metal against his porcelain skin. he sighed in relief at the trail of red it left behind. 

changbin couldn’t take this anymore. he knew he had to do something, even if it was just talking to the boy. it was 11:30 at night when he finally gained the courage to seek out hyunjin. he couldn’t let his best friend continue to ignore him and he couldn’t continue to ignore the obvious problem. he snuck out of his window, heart beating faster with every step he took towards hyunjin’s house. he was anxious at what might be awaiting him, what would he do if there was another fight? he quickly shook his head, not willing to coward away this time. approaching hyunjin’s house, he was pretty sure the whole neighborhood could hear his heartbeat. he climbed up to his window, taking a quick peek inside to make sure he was even inside. in the darkness changbin could see hyunjin’s desk illuminated by his lamp. squinting, he identified the shape hunched over his desk in a chair to be hyunjin. 

with a hesitant hand, he knocked on the window.


End file.
